Calm under the Waves
by LovelyLene
Summary: Michaela finally finds some answers... Sequel to Somewhere! As promised...


English is not my native language!

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I do not own the characters of "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman"… One Beth Sullivan does…  
**Rating:** I don't know anything about these ratings, but let's say T or PG-13. Just to be safe...  
**Warnings:** I'm a real drama queen, and if you've read my previous stories you know what to expect!  
**Genre:** Drama / Tragedy  
**Summary: **Michaela finally finds some answers… Sequel to "Somewhere".

As promised: the sequel to "Somewhere"… For everyone who's desperate to know what happened to Sully…

_**Winter 1898**_

"Hey Mom, what are you doing here?" Michaela looked up as she heard her daughter's voice. "Hello Katie," Michaela answered and smiled briefly at the young woman in front of her. "I… I just…" Michaela sighed as she just didn't seem to find the right words to say. "I guess I just miss this place…" she finally said, looking around the clinic that was once hers. Katie smiled. "You're not checking on me or something, are you?" she asked, smiling brightly at her mother. "You know the clinic is in good hands." Michaela nodded. "I know," she answered, "And I can't thank you enough for taking over… You're an excellent doctor Katie!" Katie blushed at her mother's words. "Thank you," she whispered.

"You still haven't answered my question," Katie continued. "What are you doing here? And don't say you miss this, because you don't… at least not nowadays…" Michaela looked away. Katie was right; she didn't miss working at the clinic. Nor did she miss practicing medicine. Maybe if Sully would still be here, she would… _Sully…_ "I just needed to get away from the homestead," Michaela finally answered. Katie nodded. She had expected that answer. "My offer still stands, you know," Katie said. "I have a spare room left at my house. You're welcome to stay there for a while… Or to live there permanently…" Michaela shook her head. "No! No… It's sweet of you, really… But I can't leave the homestead… I just can't…" And Katie knew her mother really couldn't, which saddened her a bit. Besides Katie, the homestead was pretty much the only thing that reminded Michaela of Sully these days. Sully had made it on his own… He had made it for Michaela and himself so they could make a living there. Katie knew Michaela couldn't leave that home even if her life depended on it.

"You can help me today, if you want," Katie offered. It was evident that her mother needed to get her mind off things. For years Michaela had searched for her husband. She had completely dedicated her life to find the man she loved so dearly. But she had never found him, and Katie wondered whether her mother ever would. She had already given up hope and sometimes she wished her mother would do the same. That she would let go and that she would try to make the best of the years she still had left on this earth. But then she wondered what she would do if her husband would have gone missing. _Peter…_ Her sweet Peter… It had been love at first sight. She had literally bumped into him. She had blushed and had clumsily apologized to the handsome young man. He had smiled at her and she had been surprised when he had asked her name. It had been the start of their beautiful relationship which eventually ended in marriage. Peter was the one that made her happy. He was the one that made her feel whole. She couldn't imagine her life without him. Even thinking about a life without him brought tears to her eyes. _Oh, if I'd ever lost you Peter…_ Then she realized she would do exactly what her mother was doing now.

It was that same realization that made Katie move back to Colorado Springs. She wanted to be able to help her mother. She wanted to take care of her mother, because her mother was obviously not taking good care of herself. Michaela had always been slender, her beautiful figure causing every woman in town to be jealous of her. But these days she was exceptionally thin, revealing almost every bone in her body. Her eyes were dark, sad and tired. She rarely cooked for herself. She hardly ate anything at all! All she did was focussing on finding Sully, day in day out, until she was so tired she couldn't stand anymore. Katie knew she couldn't stop her mother from searching for Sully, but she knew she could be there for her mother; helping her whenever she needed it. She could support her and make sure she wouldn't die trying to find the man she loved.

So Katie had returned to Colorado Springs, together with her husband. They had both decided to take over the clinic, which had been terribly neglected by Michaela. Both Michaela and the two other employees at the clinic had seemed relieved. Michaela had been glad that at least one burden had been taken off her hands. It had saddened her a bit that she hadn't been able to take care of the clinic properly. It had always been her life! Well, besides Sully that is… And Sully had been her main concern at that time. He still was…

"So, you'd like to help me out today?" Katie asked again when her mother didn't reply the first time. "For old times sake?" Katie smiled remembering how she used to help her mother at the clinic. Eventually Michaela nodded. "Alright," she said softly, "Maybe I could use a little distraction…" Katie smiled brightly and Michaela couldn't help noticing how her smile resembled the one Sully used to have: Warm, sweet and genuine. "You look like your father," Michaela said, smiling at the beautiful young woman in front of her. Katie smiled. "I always thought I looked more like you," she answered. Michaela shook her head. "Maybe your hair, but not your eyes and your smile… or your nose… They look like your father's," Michaela spoke softly, remembering Sully's face as she compared her daughter's facial features with those of her husband's. "You're beautiful," she whispered. Katie blushed and then said: "See, then I do look like you too…"

Michaela was about to answer when the door opened and an old man walked inside. He looked worried, panicked even. "I need a doctor!" he said a bit out of breath. "My fiend… I think he's dying…" Katie immediately followed the man outside. Michaela stood in the doorway not sure of what to do. There was a wagon with two horses standing in front of the clinic. Katie moved towards the back of the wagon where she found the old man's friend. The man lay on his back, his eyes wide open, gasping for breath. Katie stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes went wide as she took in the man's sight. Tears burned in her eyes as she recognized the man in front of her. "Oh my God," she managed to say, her voice hoarse. "Mom!" she then called and looked over at the lady standing in the doorway of the clinic. "It's Pa…" Michaela's eyes went wide at her daughter's words. She ran towards the wagon, wanting to see for herself who was lying there. "Oh my God…" she whispered as she recognized her husband. _This can't be happening… This ain't true… Please, don't let this be a dream!_

Michaela was overwhelmed by the intense feelings of joy and relief that washed over her body. She swayed, grabbed the wagon to steady herself and took a few deep breaths. "Oh God," she whispered again and looked back at the man in front of her. _It really IS him! He looks… God, he looks terrible… He… I need to help him! _Within seconds reality caught up with Michaela's mind and at the same time her long lost doctor's instinct kicked in. "I need help!" she called out. "Bring him inside the clinic!" she ordered two bystanders as she ran back to the clinic to get the stuff she needed. "Now!"

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Michaela looked at the old man in the bed. The man that was her husband… "Oh Sully," she said while choking back a sob. "What happened to you? Where have you been all these years? Why didn't you come back?" She rubbed his hand softly while she took in his sight. He looked much older than the last time she had seen him. His hair was much longer too. His skin was still tanned, but a bit greyish as well. _Probably because of old age… _she thought.

Suddenly she heard the door open. Without looking up, she knew it was Katie. "How's he doing?" she asked softly. "As well as can be expected, I guess," Michaela answered. "Considering he just had a heart attack…" She sighed deeply. "How are you doing?" Katie asked. "I… I don't know," Michaela answered. "I'm so happy… I can't describe it… I'm just hoping it's not all a dream… It's so unreal…" Katie nodded and put a hand on her mother's shoulder. "I had given up hope…" Michaela continued. "That's why I was here today… I… I just couldn't bring myself to look for him anymore… And I felt so bad about it! It felt like I was betraying him… But I just…I felt so tired… so tired…" Katie listened to her mother's confession. Her heart broke at the sound of her voice and the tears she saw in her eyes. So much sadness, so much pain and grief… and guilt. Katie looked at her father who was sound asleep in the bed. "Mom, the man who brought Pa… he's still downstairs… Maybe you should talk to him. I think he can tell you about what happened to Pa…" Michaela nodded. "I will… in a minute," she answered wiping her tears. "Alright," Katie replied. "I'll be downstairs…"

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"How's he doing?" the old man asked when Michaela got downstairs again. Michaela sighed. "Not that good…" she replied. "He had a heart attack and regarding his age and the physical condition we found him in, he's not likely to recover." She felt a stab in her heart as she spoke. Sully was a dying man, she was aware of that. _How can life be so cruel? For years I've searched for him. Now I've finally found him, only to lose him again!_ Tears were once again welling up in her eyes. "I have to ask," the old man started, "I couldn't help noticing… But do you know my friend?" Michaela smiled briefly at the old man. "He's my husband," she whispered. "He went on a hunting trip a couple of years ago and never returned… I thought I'd lost him…" She walked over to the chair behind the desk and sat down on it. She beckoned the man to sit down as well. The man sat down and smiled at the woman in front of him. "What's his name?" he asked her. Michaela looked at him in disbelief. "Wha… You don't know?" she asked him. The man just smiled again. "There's a whole lot I don't know about this man, Dr. Quinn," he answered. "But I guess there's a lot you don't know either…" He was quiet for a moment and then decided to tell the woman in front of him everything he knew.

"I found him a couple of years ago. I live in a deserted part of the hills near Rock Springs. After my wife died I didn't want to be around people anymore so I moved away from the town and built myself a home somewhere between the hills. One day I found him. He looked bad. There was dried blood all over his face… bruises covering his body… I figured he fell from a cliff or something… I brought him to my home, treated his wounds the best I could, let him sleep… When he was completely conscious again I asked him his name, where he came from, his age… He didn't seem to remember… Sometimes there were words flashing through his mind, names he called out in his sleep… In the beginning I didn't do anything with it, but later on I decided to write them down and confront him with it… Maybe he would remember something… He never did…" Michaela listened to the man's story. So Sully suffered from amnesia. That explained a lot. But it also raised some questions. "Did you never ask around, whether someone had reported a missing person?" Michaela asked. She had wired so many places, informing the people there that her husband was missing; she couldn't believe no one had noticed him. "Oh I have," the old man answered, "I asked around in my own town, but nobody knew something. But what else could I do? The man didn't know where he was coming from, nor did I… I wired some places nearby, I mean, he couldn't have travelled that far, could he? But there had been no reports of a missing person… Eventually I decided to travel around with him. Maybe it would raise some memories… We even went to California one day… He had woken up saying he had a dream about him working on a ship… So we travelled the coastline there, hoping someone would recognize him, or that he would recognize something… Unfortunately no one did and nor did he…"

Michaela shook her head. "Sully was born on a ship… And his mother drowned when he was ten years old," she stated. "So his name is Sully?" the old man asked. Michaela nodded. "Byron Sully," Michaela said. The man smiled. "Well, it definitely beats the name Buddy…" he said softly. "You called him Buddy?" Michaela asked incredulously. The old man shrugged. "It started out as a pet name I guess... But because I had no other name to call him I decided to just call him Bud or Buddy… He didn't seem to mind…" The old man looked at her in embarrassment, which caused her to smile a bit. "It's okay," she said, "Please continue."

"Well," he said, "Two years had passed until we finally arrived back in Rock Springs. We just had to go back… Bud… Sully was starting to get sick… People in town said he was starting to go crazy. I think he was just getting old… He started to forget things… That probably sounds strange, considering he had already lost his memory, but the things I had thought him, the memories he had built while travelling with me… he was starting to forget. He couldn't remember my name, or just simple words… And it got worse by the day… The last few weeks… It had been nearly impossible to have a normal conversation with him…" Michaela closed her eyes. "He's suffering from dementia," she whispered. "Because of his age and most likely also due to the head injury his intellectual abilities are deteriorating. It's affecting the ability to think, remember and behave normally…" Michaela's words sounded cold, businesslike, but to her it was the only way not to break down into tears in front of the older man.

"How did you end up here?" she asked. The old man sighed. "For days the only two words he said were 'Colorado' and 'Springs'. He said it over and over again. I decided to pack our stuff again and travel to Colorado Springs with him. I figured maybe that place was important to him. At least I hoped so… I'm an old man… I'm starting to get too old to travel distances like that. I decided it would be the last place I would visit with him… I have to think about my own health as well. I hope you understand… And when we finally arrived here… he just freaked, I guess. He started to gasp for air, grabbing his chest like he was in pain… I guess he finally recognized something…" Both Michaela and the old man were quiet. After a few minutes Michaela spoke: "You're a good friend, Mr…" Then she realized she didn't know this man's name. "Mr. Sheppard," the man smiled briefly. "The name is John Sheppard, Mrs. Quinn… or should I say Mrs. Sully?" "You can call me Michaela," Michaela answered. The man nodded and grinned. "So you are Michaela," he replied. "Now I can finally put a face to the name…"

"What names and words did he mention?" Michaela asked curiously. "Oh, he said so many," Mr. Sheppard answered. "But there were a couple he mentioned more often than others… Like your name… and Katie… Abagail, Hannah, Colleen, Brian and Matthew… Oh, and Cloud Dancing… whatever that means…" They smiled warmly at one another and Michaela couldn't help but to cover the man's hand with her own. "Thank you," she said softly. And she was indeed grateful. She finally had some answers. She finally knew what had happened to Sully; where he had been all these years. For the first time in years she felt some peace…

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Katie stepped from the room her father was in and looked over at her mother who was standing in the hallway. Katie's face was red and tear stricken. "I just said goodbye," she said looking helplessly at her mother. "It's not fair!" she called out as she threw herself in her mother's arms. "Why? We finally got him back and now he's dying! I can't even let him know how much he means to me… Or hear him say that he loves me… Hear him say my name…" She sobbed uncontrollably. Michaela stroked her daughter's hair and tried her best to control her own emotions.

It had been a week ago when Mr. Sheppard had brought Sully in. After a brief but thorough examination Michaela had determined that Sully was a dying man. Katie had immediately sent telegrams to her two brothers and her sister to inform them that Sully had been found and in what condition he was in. Matthew, Brian and Colleen had been there within a day to visit the man who had meant so much to them. They wanted to spend his last few days with him; with each other as a family. It had been hard, but it had been beautiful and intense as well. Once again they had proven how strong their family was and that they would always be there for each other.

Today had been a very bad day. Michaela had visited Sully in the morning. As soon as she had opened the door she had felt that there was something wrong. She had decided to examine Sully and eventually had come to the conclusion that Sully would most likely not make it through the day. Michaela had called her children together, telling them that it was time to say goodbye to their father. They had cried, realizing that today they would lose their father for good.

Now they had all said their goodbyes except for Michaela. Katie looked at her mother. She felt so sorry for her. No woman deserved to lose her husband like this. It was just cruel. Michaela looked into her daughter's eyes and seemed to know what she was thinking. "It's okay Katie," she said with a smile. "I know it seems like it's not fair… But I think we should be grateful. At least we've been given the chance to say goodbye to him. We've been given the chance to tell him whatever we wanted to tell him… that we love him and that we have missed him… And that we are glad that he was returned to us, even if it was just for a few days… I've prayed to God every day to send him back to me… to give me one more day with him… So I could hold him one more time, could see him one more time… So I could tell him how much I love him… And my wish was granted… And I will thank God for that for the rest of my life!"

Katie nodded. "You're right," she said through her tears. "But still… it hurts! It hurts so much…" Katie wiped her tears. Then she squeezed her mother's hand for a brief moment and then went downstairs where her brothers and sister were waiting. Michaela sighed deeply and walked towards the room her husband was in. She hesitated briefly before she opened the door. _This is it! This is going to be the last time… Oh Sully…_ She opened the door and stepped inside. She took in the sight of the men lying in the bed and sighed heavily. She closed the door behind her and sat down on a chair beside the bed. She took Sully's hand in hers and squeezed it gently. With her other hand she touched his wrist, checking for a pulse. It was weak, weaker than a few hours before and she knew it would all be over soon. She choked back a sob at that particular realization.

"Oh Sully," she said sadly, while the first tears found their way down her cheeks. "I love you so much! I… Life has been so hard without you… I never stopped searching! Never… Until a week ago… I had given up hope, Sully. I hope you're not mad at me, but I just couldn't bring myself to look for you anymore… I didn't know WHERE to look anymore… It was tearing me apart! And then suddenly there you were! Alive… I'm so happy you're back! But so sad at the same time, because I know you will be leaving me again… For good this time…" Michaela brought Sully's hand to her face. She inhaled his scent and leaned in to feel the warmth of his skin. "I so love you… And I will miss you so much! You are my other half… You are the one who completes me… who cheers me up when I'm down… You are my heart and soul!" She stroked her husband's hair and smiled briefly. "Oh Sully… I'd give anything to hear your voice one more time… I hope you know I love you!" Again she was silent. She lay down her head on Sully's chest and listened to his weak heartbeat. "They say it's pretty up there… heaven I mean… You'll probably see Abagail again and Hannah… and Loren… He died last year… Please say hello to him from me? And to my parents and sisters…" She closed her eyes as she gave in to the incredible warmth of Sully's body. And even though she felt so incredibly sad, she also felt some inner peace. She finally knew what had happened to Sully and where he had been all these years. She had even been able to see him again; touch him again. And that was all she ever wanted…

A slight touch on her shoulder awoke Michaela from her thoughts. "Katie?" she asked while she sat up straight again. She looked around the room but there was no one there. _But who…_ She looked back at Sully who, to her surprise, was looking her straight in the eyes. "Sully?" she asked a bit uncertain. "M… M… Micha-ela…" he managed to say. Michaela couldn't help but smile and cry at the same time. "Oh Sully!" she exclaimed and lay her head on his chest again. She wrapped his arms around his shoulders and sobbed loudly against Sully's chest. "I love you! I've missed you so much… Please don't leave me!" She felt Sully's hand stroking her hair. It felt so good… She lifted her head a bit so she could see his face. She saw him looking down at her. He smiled at her. "I… I love you…" he whispered. Michaela's heart fluttered as she heard the words. More tears fell from her eyes, but she smiled at Sully nevertheless. She moved towards his face and kissed him gently on the lips. She felt Sully responding to the kiss. He was kissing her back. Even though the kiss was short, it was the most intense kiss Michaela had ever experienced. "I love you too," she whispered. She stroked his hair again and watched as Sully closed his eyes again, this time for good. She lay down on the bed beside the man she loved so much. She took him in her arms her head against his. "I'll see you soon," she whispered feeling his last breath against her cheek. "Very soon, my love…"

_I walk barefoot where the water drowns the sand  
With you no longer here to hold my hand  
I let go_

_The ocean makes my swelling heart feel small  
With the sounds it makes you won't hear it if I call  
I let go_

_There's a breeze in the air  
There's a boat anchored out here  
There's a calm under the waves, so I choose to sink_

_Your skin protected me from sunbeams  
Your hands made sure I'd stay intact  
I let go_

_You were always there to walk me home  
Now you're no here the streets I roam  
I let go_

_There's a breeze in the air  
There's a boat passing over there  
There's a calm under the waves as I choose to sink  
With your voice in my head  
I would float here instead  
But there's a calm under the waves, so I choose to sink_

_I'm tired now  
I'll see you when I wake up  
I've heard it's pretty where you are  
I let go_

_- Maria Mena_

The End

And this really is the end. I hope you liked the sequel, even though it's a sad story. Again… Please let me know!


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